Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Evening Classes for Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

[Note: Due to the intense nature of the course material, each session has a maximum of eight participants.]

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Househod Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before peaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Things That Would Change if Microsoft Built Cars

  1. A particular year's model would not be available for at least 2 years until after it was scheduled to go into production.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some bizarre reason, you accept this.
  4. You couldn't have more than one person in the car unless you purchased a CarXP or CarNT, and then you would have to buy extra seats.
  5. Linux would build a car that ran on water, was twice as reliable, and 10 times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
  6. The oil, gas, alternator and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" light.
  7. People would be excited about the 'new' features in Microsoft cars, forgetting that these features had been available in other cars a decade ago.
  8. We'd all have to switch to MS Gas.
  9. The US Government would GET subsidies from Auto Manufacturers instead of GIVING them.
  10. New seats would force everyone to get the same size butt!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Cars and Computers

For all of us who feel the deepest love and affection for the way Computers have enhanced our lives, read on.....

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX 2006), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water, temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.