Evening Classes for Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

[Note: Due to the intense nature of the course material, each session has a maximum of eight participants.]

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Househod Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before peaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Things That Would Change if Microsoft Built Cars

1. A particular year's model would not be available for at least 2 years until after it was scheduled to go into production.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some bizarre reason, you accept this.
4. You couldn't have more than one person in the car unless you purchased a CarXP or CarNT, and then you would have to buy extra seats.
5. Linux would build a car that ran on water, was twice as reliable, and 10 times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
6. The oil, gas, alternator and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" light.
7. People would be excited about the 'new' features in Microsoft cars, forgetting that these features had been available in other cars a decade ago.
8. We'd all have to switch to MS Gas.
9. The US Government would GET subsidies from Auto Manufacturers instead of GIVING them.
10. New seats would force everyone to get the same size butt!

Cars and Computers

For all of us who feel the deepest love and affection for the way Computers have enhanced our lives, read on.....

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX 2006), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water, temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Young and pretty lady wishes to marry a rich guy. Fantastic reply from a financial person

[A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum.]

Title: What should Ido to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500kannual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annualsalary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden, $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions: 1) where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down thenames and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)2) Which age group should I target?3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I'vemet a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, butthey are able to marry rich guys4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only beyour girlfriend? (My target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

********************************************************************

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in orderto make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.

I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has betterchance than finding a rich fool.Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

Signed,

Wall Street Financial guy

WOW...wat a life it was...!!!

Gone are the days!!!

When the school reopened in June,
And we settled in our new desks and
benches!

When we queued up in book depot,
And got our new books and notes!

When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays,
Yet managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.

We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and
Progressed To fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips!

When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to
Color pencils and finally sketch pens!

When we started calculating
first with tables and then with
Clarke's tables and advanced to
Calculators and computers!

When we chased one another in the
corridors in Intervals, and returned to the classrooms
Drenched in sweat!

When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,
Playgrounds,
under the trees and even in cycle sheds!

When all the colors in the world,
Decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays!

When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table,
Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!

When cricket was played with writing pads as bats,
And Neckties and socks rolled into balls!

When few played
"kabadi" and "Kho-Kho" in scorching sun,
While others simply played
"book cricket" in the
Confines of classroom!

Of fights but no conspiracies,
Of Competitions but seldom jealousy!

When we used to
watch Live Cricket telecast,
In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks!

When few rushed at 3:45 to
"Conquer" window seats in our School bus!
While few others had "Big Fun", "peppermint",
"kulfi"," milk ice !" and "sharbat !" at 4'O Clock!

Gone are the days
Of Sports Day,
and the annual School Day ,
And the one-month long
preparations for them.

Gone are the days
Of the stressful Quarterly,
Half Yearly and Annual Exams, And the most
enjoyed holidays after them!

Gone are the days
Of tenth and twelfth standards, when
We Spent almost the whole year writing revision tests!

We learnt,

We enjoyed,

We played,

We won,

We lost,

We laughed,

We cried,

We fought,

We thought.

With so much fun in them, so many friends,

So much experience, all this and more!

Gone are the days
When we used
to talk for hours with our friends!
Now we don't have time to say a 'Hi'!

Gone are the days
When we played games on the road!
Now we
Code on the road with laptop!

Gone are the days
When we saw stars
Shining at Night!
Now we see stars when our code doesn't
Work!

Gone are the days
When we sat to chat with Friends on grounds!
Now we chat in chat rooms.....!

Gone are the days
Where we
studied just to pass!
Now we study to save our job!

Gone are the days
Where we had no money in our pockets and still fun filled on ourhearts!!
Now we have the atm as well as credit card but with an empty heart!!

Gone are the days
Where we shouted on the road!
Now we don't shout even at home

Gone are the days
Where we got lectures from all!
Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing now....!!

Gone are the days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and
Ever and ever and ever .....

Gone are the Days….

But still there are lot more Days to come in ourLife !!

NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU ARE ,
DONT FORGET TO
LIVE THE LIFE THAT STILL
EXISTS….

Live for the moment...live for NoW...

We live only once , life will never come again, and

that is what makes life so sweet.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but

anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

There are as many nights as days, and

the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and

the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.

HUSBANDS FOR SALE...!!!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch.... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

.

.

.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

.

.

.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord,love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

.

.

.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

.

.

.

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord,love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

.

.

.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
.

.

.

.

.

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[P.S. wow wat a complex creature god has created on earth, I agree All women are basically in competition with each other for a handful of eligible men, but that shouldnt take a shape of greediness in seeking every damn thing under the sun in a single man.

I also agree, A man gives many question marks, however, u also got to agree a woman is a whole mystery....When I see the elaborate study and ingenuity displayed by women in the pursuit of trifles, I feel no doubt of their capacity for the most herculean undertakings....but, when a same women becomes a mother, then the whole story changes....Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials....

My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune....and i guess tat ll never be the same for any other female on earth...

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.]

Problem...or...No Problem...!!!

1. A person acts upon his/her own free choice.

2. Free choice means the person could have acted otherwise.

3. Actions are events.

4. Every event has a cause.

5. If an event or act is caused, then it is causally determined.

6. If an act that is causally determined, then actor could not have acted otherwise.

7. Therefore free choice doesn't exist.

.

Most people regard having choices as a good thing, though a severely limited or artificially restricted choice can lead to discomfort with choosing and possibly, an unsatisfactory outcome. In contrast, unlimited choice may lead to confusion, regret of the alternatives not taken, and indifference in an unstructured existence; and the illusion that choosing an object or a course leads necessarily to control of that object or course can cause psychological problems.

.

So, not having free choice is a problem or an opportunity to avoid problems.

Smile Please...!!

Every person you meet deserved to be greeted with Smile.

- zuha

If at times you feel you want to cry,
And life seems such a trial;
Above the clouds there's a bright blue sky,
So make your tears a smile.


As you travel on life's way,
With its many ups and downs;
Remember its quite true to say,
One smile is worth a dozen frowns.

Among the world's expensive things,
A smile is very cheap;
And when you give a smile away,
You get one back to keep.

Happiness comes at times to all,
But sadness comes unbidden;
And sometimes a few tears must fall,
Among the laughter hidden.

So when friends have sadness on their face,
And troubles round them piled;
The world will seem a better place,
And all because you smiled!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W. C. Fields

learning from a rose

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it. He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.

We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.

This is one of the characteristic of love... to look at a person, know their true faults and accepting that person into your life... all the while recognizing the nobility in their soul. Help others to realize they can overcome their faults. If we show them the "rose" within themselves, they will conquer their thorns. Only then will they blossom many times over.